just because you like me doesn't mean that i like you back. you can trust me but there is no way that i can trust you anymore. i think it's fake. i think that you have a way of manipulating situations and i don't like that. i risked a lot of you and got a lot of crap from other people for standing up for you. i'm finished trying. maybe that's why so many people have problems with you. you aren't always the one that hurts all the time. you may just bring it all on yourself. don't blame other people for your mistakes. i take the fault for the things i do. i don't change the story. you'll never know what's real when everything you create is fake.

i'm done with you.

tomorrow

i remember in high school when i would think that everything that went bad was the end of the world. i thought that next day would be hell and i would never get out. i have now figured that i need not to be so dramatic.

when i am feeling totally and completely overwhelmed, i know that i will get through. this is just school; it is just a boy; it is just a job. it is all only one day in my whole life. i am healthy, i have a family that loves me and people in my life that won't let me down.

i may be doing poorly in one of my classes but i know that right now, my life is very much worth living. i will make it to the next day and i will deal with it when it comes.

butterfly

in the movie "jack" with robin williams, a bunch of people try to fit themselves into an old tree house. everything seems to be okay, but the wood is whining and it sounds as if the whole thing is going to go falling down to the ground at any second. the frame switches to a butterfly that lands on the window sill of the tree house and the tree house crashes down.

i feel like that is my life and i'm just waiting for that butterfly. i keep taking on more responsibilities and stressing myself out. i want to do everything. i don't like oppotunities to slip by. i don't like to think back wishing that i had done something when i had the chance.
this semester i took on seven classes. i work a couple nights a week at the restaurant and spend almost every afternoon and saturday out at high school track meets, coaching sassy, stubborn teenage girls. 2 days out of the week i am on campus until 8pm. i am raising money for my mission trip and getting my paperwork in line. i was just getting by until we got the news that my step dad got a job on maui and they're moving back and selling the house here so i need to find an apartment, and a roommate. then try doing that without a car.... my car broke down on the high way in the middle of the night in the middle of BFE last week; it's going to be $1000 that i don't have right now. and now within the next week i have an anatomy exam, sports marketing exam, management exam, 2 anatomy lab papers, 1 marketing plan, and a 7pg anatomy research paper due. i make a to-do list everyday and i have to put "eat" or else i'm so busy i forget. where's the butterfly? i'm waiting for something else to come along and have everything go crashing down.

usually when people think of butterflies they refer to the airy feeling in one's stomach when they fall in love or the free spirit of the fluttering insect. i have neither. i don't have time for those kind of butterflies.

mcdonald's vs johnny's

the past is in the past and there's nothing i can do to change that. what has happened happened. i cannot control the way people react the things i do but i can control how i react to the things that happen to me. i can learn from my mistakes and let go of the guilt. i can stop thinking about everything i could have done different.





think about this.
you love eating mcdonald's double cheeseburgers. they're good. they are quick and easy to get. you can get a mcdonald's double cheeseburger pretty much whenever you want. since the mcdonald's double cheeseburger is so easy to get you get fat and lazy. one day a friend offers to take you out to johnny's and you get a double cheeseburger. it's amazing. although johnny's takes a little longer and it's a little more expensive; it's genuine. every johnny's burger is made-to-order. there isn't a johnny's at every block corner. in addition, you are satisfied easier with one johnny's double cheeseburger whereas it takes a few mcdonald's double cheeseburgers to be full. the mcdonald's double cheeseburger is absolutely no competition against johnny's double cheeseburger.
do you catch my drift? i had been getting "mcdonalds" for a while. i was getting bored. once i had one taste of "johnny's" there was no way i could deny it. i knew that i shouldn't have been having mcdonald's for a while but mcdonald's was "lovin' it." i never meant to hurt mcdonald's feelings, but how could i just let johnny's pass? if i could go about eating johnny's double cheeseburgers AND mcdonald's double cheeseburgers at the same time... i probably would. but i really, really wouldn't want to see old johnny and ronald fight. and i think that eating so many double cheeseburgers would make me fat.

more food analogies to come........