Airplane Mode

For as many people I know and how much I like to talk, I find myself alone a lot lately. When I am alone, no one lies to me. When I am alone, no one disrespects me. When I am alone, no one makes me feel bad about myself. When I am alone, no one gives me attitude. When I am alone, I don't have to worry about anyone else.

Right now, the solidarity is therapeutic and healing.

My mom told me many years ago, "You give pieces of yourself to all of these people, you're going to run out of Anna." Man, why is my Ma almost always right? I think my low fuel light went off about a year ago and I've been coasting, running on fumes.

On my way home from work at midnight on Halloween night, of course I was thinking about past Halloweens. I thought of who I was with last year. It made me so sad. Not because I missed him but because I realized no matter how well you love someone, how good you are to them; no matter what you sacrifice or put into making them happy, they can disregard it all and still lie, disrespect you and make you feel inadequate.

I think that is when I ran out of Anna but didn't realize it. I've been pressing the gas pedal and just not going anywhere.

You know how your phone charges faster when it's on airplane mode? That's what I'm doing. I'm on airplane mode. I have not shut down. I'm still playing the games, listening to music and watching movies, but everything else that uses data doesn't work. 

No, this is not what I want. I am fed off helping others and building relationships with people. But how am I supposed to do that when I don't have much to even give myself?

I honestly believe I was put on this earth to be a mother. Although I am a billion steps away from reaching that point, I know what it takes to me a mother and all a Mama does is give. My Ma gives and gives and gives. She has always wanted the best for me; prepare me for the future. I wonder if she knew that I'm supposed to be a Ma and there is no way I can do that if I have no more Anna to give. Hmmmm....

I don't believe in coincidence and I believe everything happens for a reason so maybe this is the season God has me in to prepare me for it all.

All of this... 

This is what happens when you are alone too much and have nothing but your thoughts to keep you company.

I am saying that I'm keeping to myself because I am preparing to have kids. Oh my gosh.

"SHAKE MY HEAD" and go to sleep.... but for real.