"Be kind always. Everyone's fighting a battle you know nothing about."
My mom had this written on an index card on our fridge for years.
I could tell you all my deepest, hardest struggles and maybe you'd understand why I do what I do, react the way I do or say the things I say. Maybe there would be sympathy? Maybe you would show me a little more grace? Maybe you would be more patient with me?
But why do you need to know these things about people to be kind, be patient or show grace towards them?
I'm not faultless. Sometimes I say and do some pretty dumb stuff. Usually soon after I do or say something without thinking, I kick myself. "Wow, you dumb girl."
My conscience is super heavy and I will over analyze the crap out of things. I am conditioned that way.
Everything that has happened to me up until this point has conditioned me to act and react the way I do. As my life goes on, that changes. As I focus on different things and have new experiences, my strengths adapt and weaknesses are exposed.
In high school I would get so down on myself because of grades, not winning races, or breaking records. I felt like I was letting people down. I was not good enough. Mom told me life is not about any of that. Of course she wanted me to try my best and wants me to succeed, but she didn't care about the stuff I was so worried about; she cared about how I treated people. I could be valedictorian or the best athlete in the world, but if I was not nice to people, none of it would matter.
It's not that I forget anything she said or that I have changed a whole lot, but when my focus shifts, my weaknesses are exposed which leads to me not think about what I do or say thoroughly, "You dumb girl."
As always, I am a work in progress. I am going to continue to grow and focus on different things and I can guarantee I will do and say more dumb crap to make people feel like I am an inconsiderate, dumb, petty girl. That's not me. I'm conscious. I'm empathetic. I'm compassionate. I'm sensitive. Whatever I'm going through doesn't validate me being an asshole.
I'm a grown woman with plenty experience to know that not everyone is going to think this way. People are still going to be unpleasant, vindictive and spiteful towards me. But when my mind shifts and rather than meeting them with equal inconsideration, I'm going to meet them with aloha.
I'll see the moon. I'll remember the nights I've struggled, looking up at the bright mahina, feeling the pressure in my chest and the unceasing tension in my gut to just want to disappear and the next mornings when I've only been met with unfriendly, catty, inconsiderate people that don't make me feel any better.
Maybe they had the same feelings last night? Maybe they were looking up at the moon with the same awful gut tension? Maybe if I had met them with a smile rather than my RBF they would have smiled back?
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