The Moon

We all see the same moon.

"Be kind always. Everyone's fighting a battle you know nothing about."

My mom had this written on an index card on our fridge for years.

I could tell you all my deepest, hardest struggles and maybe you'd understand why I do what I do, react the way I do or say the things I say. Maybe there would be sympathy? Maybe you would show me a little more grace? Maybe you would be more patient with me?

But why do you need to know these things about people to be kind, be patient or show grace towards them?

I'm not faultless. Sometimes I say and do some pretty dumb stuff. Usually soon after I do or say something without thinking, I kick myself. "Wow, you dumb girl."

My conscience is super heavy and I will over analyze the crap out of things. I am conditioned that way. 

Everything that has happened to me up until this point has conditioned me to act and react the way I do. As my life goes on, that changes. As I focus on different things and have new experiences, my strengths adapt and weaknesses are exposed.

In high school I would get so down on myself because of grades, not winning races, or breaking records. I felt like I was letting people down. I was not good enough. Mom told me life is not about any of that. Of course she wanted me to try my best and wants me to succeed, but she didn't care about the stuff I was so worried about; she cared about how I treated people. I could be valedictorian or the best athlete in the world, but if I was not nice to people, none of it would matter.

It's not that I forget anything she said or that I have changed a whole lot, but when my focus shifts, my weaknesses are exposed which leads to me not think about what I do or say thoroughly, "You dumb girl."

As always, I am a work in progress. I am going to continue to grow and focus on different things and I can guarantee I will do and say more dumb crap to make people feel like I am an inconsiderate, dumb, petty girl. That's not me. I'm conscious. I'm empathetic. I'm compassionate. I'm sensitive. Whatever I'm going through doesn't validate me being an asshole.

I'm a grown woman with plenty experience to know that not everyone is going to think this way. People are still going to be unpleasant, vindictive and spiteful towards me. But when my mind shifts and rather than meeting them with equal inconsideration, I'm going to meet them with aloha. 

I'll see the moon. I'll remember the nights I've struggled, looking up at the bright mahina, feeling the pressure in my chest and the unceasing tension in my gut to just want to disappear and the next mornings when I've only been met with unfriendly, catty, inconsiderate people that don't make me feel any better. 

Maybe they had the same feelings last night? Maybe they were looking up at the moon with the same awful gut tension? Maybe if I had met them with a smile rather than my RBF they would have smiled back?

Natural Highlights

I found my first gray hair.

I found it this past Saturday while I was doing my hair for work. I pulled it out. Examined it for a minute. It was long. As long as the rest of my hair but the whole thing was gray. From root to tip - silver. Then I dropped it into the toilet. "Natural Highlights," I call them on all of my friends, but of course, that would never happen to me. Bury those feelings.

Get in the car and head for the airport. Listen to a motivational podcast rather than John Legend. Stop by Down to Earth for dinner: kale, beets, beans, carrots and sprouts. I've lost 15 pounds over the past few months, eating like a rabbit. "I feel great."

After a few really rough nights of flights, I was determined to go in and have a good night. That is the power of the mind. Clock in, get my caffeine. I sign some paperwork and write: "11/11" - well shit.

Right then, I tripped and fell over the edge, hitting every tree branch on the way down. The pressure in my chest that I had been suppressing all day was released and it appeared as a non stop flow of water out of my eyes.

The power of the mind. Screw my impeccable memory.

Does the hair come out gray or does it grow brown and with time lose its pigment?

Does it grow with full intent of being dark chocolate brown and then just one day say, "Eff it. I can't do it anymore. I'm out."

Of course it's not about the hair...

Just Friends

I heard an amazing cover of a song the other day. That particular song is always associated with one of my good friends because when we were in high school he had it on his Myspace. You're lying if you don't have songs that you associate with specific people.

We met when I was probably 11 or 12 years old. He was just a little older than me. We were never close growing up but he was always been someone I was good with. No weirdness. No awkwardness. No lies. Just good. Comfortable. Easy. In the more recent years, we have gotten closer and our time spent together has given the 'maybe a little more than just friends' vibe.

How many times have you considered dating one of your friends? You are obviously compatible. You get along. You care for this person. Essentially, you love this person. You're lying if you ever say you're not attracted to any one of your friends. I'm not talking in just a physical attraction. You would not be friends or spend time with this person if you were not in some way drawn or attracted to them and their energy. It's only natural to wonder, "Could we be something more than just friends?"

I look at my friends with adoration. I wouldn't be friends with any of my buddies if they didn't have qualities I didn't admire and love. 

One of my best friends in high school was very much obviously gay. He was my confidant, my friend, my humor, encouragement and support. One day he told me that he thought he wasn't gay anymore because he thought he was in love with me. Stop. I was like, "Honey, no. That's what it feels like to have such a good friend. That is love. I love you but baby, you're gay." Let's just say we are still friends, he still very much likes dudes and I still love him.

I've thought so many times of how I connect with some of my friends. It's different, it's special. We get along so well, we are compatible, we have chemistry, we have such good fun... Could we be more? The "What If" will get me every - single - freaking - time. (I'm more of the "go for it and figure it out later" kind of girl.) I have lost too many friends because of this thought. I have a different perspective when it comes to things "not working out."

Anyway, we go for it. And surprise, surprise - it doesn't work out. But does that mean that we are no longer friends? Can we not revert back to what we were before? We have gotten to know each other on a whole new level. I now know this person much better than all of my other friends. But romantically, it just does not work. Does that mean that our entire friendship goes into the can? We are going to throw away the friendship and everything that did work because of the ONE aspect of a relationship that didn't?

Right now, I have a 0% romantic success rate. Luckily, I have retained majority of my friends I've tried to date. I miss those who could not go back.

I thought all of this when that song came on the other day...  We have known each other since I had more hair on my legs than he did in his armpits. I don't know if I could jeopardize that history and everything we have and how I feel when we are together. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel like I cannot count on him, call or text him whenever I want.

So, just friends we will stay and I will still get to spend the rest of my life with him in it.

Airplane Mode

For as many people I know and how much I like to talk, I find myself alone a lot lately. When I am alone, no one lies to me. When I am alone, no one disrespects me. When I am alone, no one makes me feel bad about myself. When I am alone, no one gives me attitude. When I am alone, I don't have to worry about anyone else.

Right now, the solidarity is therapeutic and healing.

My mom told me many years ago, "You give pieces of yourself to all of these people, you're going to run out of Anna." Man, why is my Ma almost always right? I think my low fuel light went off about a year ago and I've been coasting, running on fumes.

On my way home from work at midnight on Halloween night, of course I was thinking about past Halloweens. I thought of who I was with last year. It made me so sad. Not because I missed him but because I realized no matter how well you love someone, how good you are to them; no matter what you sacrifice or put into making them happy, they can disregard it all and still lie, disrespect you and make you feel inadequate.

I think that is when I ran out of Anna but didn't realize it. I've been pressing the gas pedal and just not going anywhere.

You know how your phone charges faster when it's on airplane mode? That's what I'm doing. I'm on airplane mode. I have not shut down. I'm still playing the games, listening to music and watching movies, but everything else that uses data doesn't work. 

No, this is not what I want. I am fed off helping others and building relationships with people. But how am I supposed to do that when I don't have much to even give myself?

I honestly believe I was put on this earth to be a mother. Although I am a billion steps away from reaching that point, I know what it takes to me a mother and all a Mama does is give. My Ma gives and gives and gives. She has always wanted the best for me; prepare me for the future. I wonder if she knew that I'm supposed to be a Ma and there is no way I can do that if I have no more Anna to give. Hmmmm....

I don't believe in coincidence and I believe everything happens for a reason so maybe this is the season God has me in to prepare me for it all.

All of this... 

This is what happens when you are alone too much and have nothing but your thoughts to keep you company.

I am saying that I'm keeping to myself because I am preparing to have kids. Oh my gosh.

"SHAKE MY HEAD" and go to sleep.... but for real.

Back to Me

"Remember who you were before the world told you who to be."

~~~~~

I am currently in a long season of self reflection. In one month I will enter my 29th year and I have to think about where I am and where I want to be; is what I am doing today helping me get there?

Last week I found myself thinking and somewhat obsessing over things that did not matter. As I was venting to my parents about this insignificant "drama" my dad said, "Anna, I think you need to read a good book." He was so right.

So I started The Secret which was recommended to me by a friend a few years ago. I forgot about it until last month when another friend said it really helped him. ("The Law of Attraction" - go figure.) 
It encourages us to focus on the things they want rather than the things they don't want. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "think about getting rich and you'll become a millionaire" scheme but I do like the motivation to change my state of mind. Too often I am thinking about the things that I don't want rather than being grateful for the things I do have and striving for the things I do want. When we think positively, we act and speak positively, attracting more of those good things we all need in our lives. Who doesn't want that?

With this idea planted in my brain, I began to think about things I can consciously do everyday to better my mind and life. Me focusing on me, bettering myself, my circumstances and eventually positively impacting others as well. Of course there are the norms: drink more water, paddle, go to church and CrossFit. In addition to those, for the next thirty (or so) days, I will be writing. There is no guideline on the subjects or any specific theme - just writing.

From when I was very young, I always kept a journal. I still have all of my journals from traveling and spending summers at the canoe club. About five years ago, I stopped writing. It was during a difficult period in my life and I felt like my private, personal and emotional outlet was not so sacred. That was when I probably needed it most. I really love to write. You could probably read back on previous posts to get a clue.

Writing on a public stage rather than my journals puts me in a very vulnerable position. I like transparency. I'm not doing this for attention or praise. I am all about connections and relationship and if any one single thing I write touches or relates to someone, that's great. I'm going to return to my blog because Instagram captions can only be so long and I usually have so much more to share!

I also realize that on a public platform that there may be people reading this that may not know me "in real life" (sucks for you. JK) A few things to get to know me better: I like coffee, I like food, and I will add you to my Google calendar if you invite me for either. My mom has said I've been making friends with strangers my whole life, so why stop now?

~~~~~

Thanks for checking it out - stay tuned. Book mark the page. See what's up and up to come...

Reactions

"The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion." - Paulo Coelho

I am proud of my family and where I come from. The family tree is extensive and complicated. It is not bounded by biology, geography, legalities or the social norm. My family is made up of melting pot of ethnicities. Our members find themselves having different religious practices, beliefs, values, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, military experience, and one that seems to be the most prevalent as of late, political opinions.

The political banter has probably been one of my least favorite things to have around the dinner table. I am usually the one to get up and walk away. I may crack jokes about Thanksgiving and the social media debates, but in all honesty, the division is breaking my heart. The disrespect and arrogance that seems to prevail in some of the people I love and respect most is what is leaving me shaking my head.

As I watched the blood red numbers climb closer to 270 on Tuesday evening, I started to fear for our future. I watched the DOW drop 800 points and the markets shut down. I feared for my many friends in the military. I cried for my LGBT+ friends. The thought of the next President ridding the "Country of the Free" of those of specific religious beliefs horrified me. As a woman, I was just disgusted.

And then he came on stage.

The next President of the United States of America looked humble for the first time in his life. I honestly did not recognize him. My scowl loosened. He gave a speech that made me relax and question everything he had campaigned on. I wondered if he realized after saying, "I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be President for all Americans and this is so important to me," if he realized that there are Muslim Americans, female Americans, lesbian Americans, Mexican Americans, Filipino Americans, and so on...

I've been replaying his sudden change of demeanor that left me baffled and thinking, "We have no idea what is going to happen." I get on to peoples' case about freaking out over things that don't even exist yet. Could this be OK? While listening to the analysts, one said, "Well he didn't really mean anything he campaigned on. It was just to get peoples votes." As much as this made go, "What the heck....?" I also hoped the analyst was right; that he wouldn't follow through with the things he said he would do. Point is, we don't know yet.

"Have no fear in sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared." Proverbs 3:25-26

Why don't you just go ahead and read that whole chapter. (That whole book is kinda cool actually.)

As I started this, I thought of the people who would rebuke it. I thought about the people who disagree with me and those who think what I'm saying is crap or that the Bible is crap or that I probably should have just kept all of crap to myself. That's your opinion and I'd appreciate if you keep the negativity to yourself. Nothing you say or do will convince me that Mexicans are bad, homosexuality is reversible, gun control isn't needed, a woman's choice is wrong, or that sexual assault is okay sometimes.

So far, the worst thing that has happened in response to the recent election are the reactions: from those who support him and those who don't. It's embarrassing. I'm so glad Elias doesn't have a Facebook. I'm glad there is an "unfollow" option because I don't necessarily want to "unfriend" you, family. I mean come on, how else would I get you to read this. But I just can't read any more rants, passive aggressive posts, and just pain ignorant statements from both sides of this election.

You guys are not setting a good example. If you don't believe in the system, then stop posting about it. If you are mad the system failed us, then do more than post about it. Do more than post about it on social media. You wonder how a reality start became our President elect? You are living in virtual reality; get off your phones, off the internet and do something that will better our future, the future of your kids and those much less fortunate than us. You have to show aloha, not just talk about it.

For my family reading this, if you feel your heart starting to beat a little faster, I am probably referring to you. Most of the time when you feel guilty it is because you are. Remember you are the ones who raised me to be a strong, courageous, loyal, self spoken woman.

I don't know what is going to happen over the next four years but I will not let this be a ticket for me to be disrespectful or be disrespected. My dad, Eric, told me when I was younger that things are going to happen to me that are completely out of my control; things that will bring me down and bring me back but regardless of where I am, just keep moving forward. Although I have no control of these things, I have complete control of how I react to them. I urge you to take a breath and really think about how you are going to react and how your reaction is going to help the situation.

As for me, I will never stop believing that fighting for what is right is worth it. 

"Our constitutional democracy demands our participation, not just every four years, but all the time. So let's do all we can to keep advancing the causes and values we all hold dear......" -Hillary Rodham Clinton

~

Oh,  and this is what I will be baking for Thanksgiving.
 

Here we go again...

I kept journals my whole life, until one day I tore out all the pages. In one day, I stopped doing something I had been conditioned to use an a form of expression for twenty years. As much as I talk, the thoughts and questions that arise in this twisted brain of mine are starting to escape. All those things I let fester and feed my insecurities, are being released, rather than escaping in random outbursts of emotion that catch everyone around me off guard. "Oh wow, she has feelings...?"

So here I am, starting to use this blog again. Beware: I am going to talk about my feelings. Writing is probably my best form of communication. You may know, I'm a notorious texter, social media stalker, and fast email responder. If you are here reading this, please do not judge. I am not here giving life style advice, cooking tips, "how to's" of relationships because we all know I am no expert in any of these fields but I can guarantee I will bring em up.... I don't know if it will flow or even make sense. Just read or not, it obviously doesn't matter to me. Just please do not shine negative energy my way.

~

 

Today was a shit show. Confession: I cried. Multiple times: in the car blasting Adele (how does she always find the perfect times to trigger the water works?!), on the rocks with nothing but the sound the waves crashing, on the way home blasting "One Sweet Day", and finally, with some good Billy Currington in my ice bath reflecting on the day.

 

Saturday's biggest lesson came from the least expected. I interacted with someone who I have been wanting to kick in the shin for years. As soon I said her name I realized it was the first time I have ever said her name, smiled at her, or waved at her. The whole interaction was less that 10 seconds and she barely acknowledged me but I brought me a weird sense of peace. I know exactly where my animosity towards this person comes from, but who am I to put that negativity on someone who I don't even know solely based on what other people do and say?

 

This has been a thought in my head after spending a significant amount of time with my friend's ex. (He wasn't that bad.) Do you ever feel a sense of jealousy, anger, even a smidge of hate towards your current's ex or even your ex's current? Like, what does that person have that I don't? Or, what made he or she love him or her for so long, and what can I do to get that? Comparison will rob you of joy. There is a common factor through it all, that one person. There must be common characteristics between the before, current, or after. Why else would that one person be attracted to both? Yes, there must be SOME difference or else why be with the same if you're not looking for a better outcome. I have a feeling that we might even be friends if that one person was not our commonality. (Why give them that power? Let's be friends.) 

 

There really are only two ways relationships can go: stay together or break up. I do not understand why people freak out so bad when the latter occurs. In all reality, we can have the greatest intentions with the highest hopes, but if the compatibility fails, so be it. Consider yourself saved - divorce sucks. You have the choice to be bitter about it or accept that better things are ahead, for both of you. For me, it is easier to let it go. That is, all except for one. I fought for one. I think we all have that one.... I did not one let go until today. Thanks to her name rolling off my tongue, feelings catching me by surprise, and probably entirely unimportant interaction to her.

 

That's the interesting thing about paddling, these people don't go away, if anything we get more new ones every year. We get power trips and snap at each other in the boat, someone doesn't make crew, we deserve better, so & so made a poor decision at an after-regatta party, they used to date, did you hear her tone? Did you see the way she looked me?.......... I could go on and on; you're lying if none of these apply to you...... Point is, we are together for the long run. You need to let it go, drop it, or get over it.