Airplane Mode

For as many people I know and how much I like to talk, I find myself alone a lot lately. When I am alone, no one lies to me. When I am alone, no one disrespects me. When I am alone, no one makes me feel bad about myself. When I am alone, no one gives me attitude. When I am alone, I don't have to worry about anyone else.

Right now, the solidarity is therapeutic and healing.

My mom told me many years ago, "You give pieces of yourself to all of these people, you're going to run out of Anna." Man, why is my Ma almost always right? I think my low fuel light went off about a year ago and I've been coasting, running on fumes.

On my way home from work at midnight on Halloween night, of course I was thinking about past Halloweens. I thought of who I was with last year. It made me so sad. Not because I missed him but because I realized no matter how well you love someone, how good you are to them; no matter what you sacrifice or put into making them happy, they can disregard it all and still lie, disrespect you and make you feel inadequate.

I think that is when I ran out of Anna but didn't realize it. I've been pressing the gas pedal and just not going anywhere.

You know how your phone charges faster when it's on airplane mode? That's what I'm doing. I'm on airplane mode. I have not shut down. I'm still playing the games, listening to music and watching movies, but everything else that uses data doesn't work. 

No, this is not what I want. I am fed off helping others and building relationships with people. But how am I supposed to do that when I don't have much to even give myself?

I honestly believe I was put on this earth to be a mother. Although I am a billion steps away from reaching that point, I know what it takes to me a mother and all a Mama does is give. My Ma gives and gives and gives. She has always wanted the best for me; prepare me for the future. I wonder if she knew that I'm supposed to be a Ma and there is no way I can do that if I have no more Anna to give. Hmmmm....

I don't believe in coincidence and I believe everything happens for a reason so maybe this is the season God has me in to prepare me for it all.

All of this... 

This is what happens when you are alone too much and have nothing but your thoughts to keep you company.

I am saying that I'm keeping to myself because I am preparing to have kids. Oh my gosh.

"SHAKE MY HEAD" and go to sleep.... but for real.

Back to Me

"Remember who you were before the world told you who to be."

~~~~~

I am currently in a long season of self reflection. In one month I will enter my 29th year and I have to think about where I am and where I want to be; is what I am doing today helping me get there?

Last week I found myself thinking and somewhat obsessing over things that did not matter. As I was venting to my parents about this insignificant "drama" my dad said, "Anna, I think you need to read a good book." He was so right.

So I started The Secret which was recommended to me by a friend a few years ago. I forgot about it until last month when another friend said it really helped him. ("The Law of Attraction" - go figure.) 
It encourages us to focus on the things they want rather than the things they don't want. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "think about getting rich and you'll become a millionaire" scheme but I do like the motivation to change my state of mind. Too often I am thinking about the things that I don't want rather than being grateful for the things I do have and striving for the things I do want. When we think positively, we act and speak positively, attracting more of those good things we all need in our lives. Who doesn't want that?

With this idea planted in my brain, I began to think about things I can consciously do everyday to better my mind and life. Me focusing on me, bettering myself, my circumstances and eventually positively impacting others as well. Of course there are the norms: drink more water, paddle, go to church and CrossFit. In addition to those, for the next thirty (or so) days, I will be writing. There is no guideline on the subjects or any specific theme - just writing.

From when I was very young, I always kept a journal. I still have all of my journals from traveling and spending summers at the canoe club. About five years ago, I stopped writing. It was during a difficult period in my life and I felt like my private, personal and emotional outlet was not so sacred. That was when I probably needed it most. I really love to write. You could probably read back on previous posts to get a clue.

Writing on a public stage rather than my journals puts me in a very vulnerable position. I like transparency. I'm not doing this for attention or praise. I am all about connections and relationship and if any one single thing I write touches or relates to someone, that's great. I'm going to return to my blog because Instagram captions can only be so long and I usually have so much more to share!

I also realize that on a public platform that there may be people reading this that may not know me "in real life" (sucks for you. JK) A few things to get to know me better: I like coffee, I like food, and I will add you to my Google calendar if you invite me for either. My mom has said I've been making friends with strangers my whole life, so why stop now?

~~~~~

Thanks for checking it out - stay tuned. Book mark the page. See what's up and up to come...

Reactions

"The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion." - Paulo Coelho

I am proud of my family and where I come from. The family tree is extensive and complicated. It is not bounded by biology, geography, legalities or the social norm. My family is made up of melting pot of ethnicities. Our members find themselves having different religious practices, beliefs, values, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, military experience, and one that seems to be the most prevalent as of late, political opinions.

The political banter has probably been one of my least favorite things to have around the dinner table. I am usually the one to get up and walk away. I may crack jokes about Thanksgiving and the social media debates, but in all honesty, the division is breaking my heart. The disrespect and arrogance that seems to prevail in some of the people I love and respect most is what is leaving me shaking my head.

As I watched the blood red numbers climb closer to 270 on Tuesday evening, I started to fear for our future. I watched the DOW drop 800 points and the markets shut down. I feared for my many friends in the military. I cried for my LGBT+ friends. The thought of the next President ridding the "Country of the Free" of those of specific religious beliefs horrified me. As a woman, I was just disgusted.

And then he came on stage.

The next President of the United States of America looked humble for the first time in his life. I honestly did not recognize him. My scowl loosened. He gave a speech that made me relax and question everything he had campaigned on. I wondered if he realized after saying, "I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be President for all Americans and this is so important to me," if he realized that there are Muslim Americans, female Americans, lesbian Americans, Mexican Americans, Filipino Americans, and so on...

I've been replaying his sudden change of demeanor that left me baffled and thinking, "We have no idea what is going to happen." I get on to peoples' case about freaking out over things that don't even exist yet. Could this be OK? While listening to the analysts, one said, "Well he didn't really mean anything he campaigned on. It was just to get peoples votes." As much as this made go, "What the heck....?" I also hoped the analyst was right; that he wouldn't follow through with the things he said he would do. Point is, we don't know yet.

"Have no fear in sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared." Proverbs 3:25-26

Why don't you just go ahead and read that whole chapter. (That whole book is kinda cool actually.)

As I started this, I thought of the people who would rebuke it. I thought about the people who disagree with me and those who think what I'm saying is crap or that the Bible is crap or that I probably should have just kept all of crap to myself. That's your opinion and I'd appreciate if you keep the negativity to yourself. Nothing you say or do will convince me that Mexicans are bad, homosexuality is reversible, gun control isn't needed, a woman's choice is wrong, or that sexual assault is okay sometimes.

So far, the worst thing that has happened in response to the recent election are the reactions: from those who support him and those who don't. It's embarrassing. I'm so glad Elias doesn't have a Facebook. I'm glad there is an "unfollow" option because I don't necessarily want to "unfriend" you, family. I mean come on, how else would I get you to read this. But I just can't read any more rants, passive aggressive posts, and just pain ignorant statements from both sides of this election.

You guys are not setting a good example. If you don't believe in the system, then stop posting about it. If you are mad the system failed us, then do more than post about it. Do more than post about it on social media. You wonder how a reality start became our President elect? You are living in virtual reality; get off your phones, off the internet and do something that will better our future, the future of your kids and those much less fortunate than us. You have to show aloha, not just talk about it.

For my family reading this, if you feel your heart starting to beat a little faster, I am probably referring to you. Most of the time when you feel guilty it is because you are. Remember you are the ones who raised me to be a strong, courageous, loyal, self spoken woman.

I don't know what is going to happen over the next four years but I will not let this be a ticket for me to be disrespectful or be disrespected. My dad, Eric, told me when I was younger that things are going to happen to me that are completely out of my control; things that will bring me down and bring me back but regardless of where I am, just keep moving forward. Although I have no control of these things, I have complete control of how I react to them. I urge you to take a breath and really think about how you are going to react and how your reaction is going to help the situation.

As for me, I will never stop believing that fighting for what is right is worth it. 

"Our constitutional democracy demands our participation, not just every four years, but all the time. So let's do all we can to keep advancing the causes and values we all hold dear......" -Hillary Rodham Clinton

~

Oh,  and this is what I will be baking for Thanksgiving.
 

Here we go again...

I kept journals my whole life, until one day I tore out all the pages. In one day, I stopped doing something I had been conditioned to use an a form of expression for twenty years. As much as I talk, the thoughts and questions that arise in this twisted brain of mine are starting to escape. All those things I let fester and feed my insecurities, are being released, rather than escaping in random outbursts of emotion that catch everyone around me off guard. "Oh wow, she has feelings...?"

So here I am, starting to use this blog again. Beware: I am going to talk about my feelings. Writing is probably my best form of communication. You may know, I'm a notorious texter, social media stalker, and fast email responder. If you are here reading this, please do not judge. I am not here giving life style advice, cooking tips, "how to's" of relationships because we all know I am no expert in any of these fields but I can guarantee I will bring em up.... I don't know if it will flow or even make sense. Just read or not, it obviously doesn't matter to me. Just please do not shine negative energy my way.

~

 

Today was a shit show. Confession: I cried. Multiple times: in the car blasting Adele (how does she always find the perfect times to trigger the water works?!), on the rocks with nothing but the sound the waves crashing, on the way home blasting "One Sweet Day", and finally, with some good Billy Currington in my ice bath reflecting on the day.

 

Saturday's biggest lesson came from the least expected. I interacted with someone who I have been wanting to kick in the shin for years. As soon I said her name I realized it was the first time I have ever said her name, smiled at her, or waved at her. The whole interaction was less that 10 seconds and she barely acknowledged me but I brought me a weird sense of peace. I know exactly where my animosity towards this person comes from, but who am I to put that negativity on someone who I don't even know solely based on what other people do and say?

 

This has been a thought in my head after spending a significant amount of time with my friend's ex. (He wasn't that bad.) Do you ever feel a sense of jealousy, anger, even a smidge of hate towards your current's ex or even your ex's current? Like, what does that person have that I don't? Or, what made he or she love him or her for so long, and what can I do to get that? Comparison will rob you of joy. There is a common factor through it all, that one person. There must be common characteristics between the before, current, or after. Why else would that one person be attracted to both? Yes, there must be SOME difference or else why be with the same if you're not looking for a better outcome. I have a feeling that we might even be friends if that one person was not our commonality. (Why give them that power? Let's be friends.) 

 

There really are only two ways relationships can go: stay together or break up. I do not understand why people freak out so bad when the latter occurs. In all reality, we can have the greatest intentions with the highest hopes, but if the compatibility fails, so be it. Consider yourself saved - divorce sucks. You have the choice to be bitter about it or accept that better things are ahead, for both of you. For me, it is easier to let it go. That is, all except for one. I fought for one. I think we all have that one.... I did not one let go until today. Thanks to her name rolling off my tongue, feelings catching me by surprise, and probably entirely unimportant interaction to her.

 

That's the interesting thing about paddling, these people don't go away, if anything we get more new ones every year. We get power trips and snap at each other in the boat, someone doesn't make crew, we deserve better, so & so made a poor decision at an after-regatta party, they used to date, did you hear her tone? Did you see the way she looked me?.......... I could go on and on; you're lying if none of these apply to you...... Point is, we are together for the long run. You need to let it go, drop it, or get over it.

 

 

Just do it.

Probably not the best (or smartest) way to go about things but as always, I'd rather just do it. This could be a symptom of my coping with loss and death, but I don't think it's going to do me wrong. And if it does, eh.... oh well.

I am about to enter my 24th year on this planet and I need it to be good. Sometimes I forget how young I am. I'm not ready to peak in life, but I sure am ready to live a life I can look back on in 15 years and think, "Wow, that was great."  I want to experience more. 

Up until a couple of years ago I spent my life thinking vegetables made me gag and coffee was gross. Little did I know that once I tried, I would really enjoy them. Now I would rather try something before I diss it, or for the sole reason to be able to say, "I did that." (I also like to write things I do on a daily basis just so I can cross them out.)

There are some things my heart desires to do but are just unrealistic - financially, physically, or... just not possible. I have tried to make this list as obtainable as possible. It was actually a lot harder than I thought. These are not goals that will excel my career or make me more money. They will give me experiences and stories that I will have forever. 

This is not a list of new year resolutions or a bucket list. I just wanted to give myself things to look forward to, enjoy, and remember. Some of them are silly and I'm sure there will people who disagree with some of them..... It's not your list; it's not your life. But let me know if you would like to share the opportunity with me! I will need help with some because I just do not know how! Plus, it's always nice to have a hand to hold, be a light in each other's lives, and share a laugh with.

• Skydive 
• Visit the Grand Canyon
• Learn how to knit, knit something, and give it away
• Solve a Rubik cube
• Have a regular pen pal, actual in an envelope with a stamp kind of pen pal
• Surf more, even in a wetsuit
• Relearn how to ride a horse
• Catch a fish (by any means), learn how to clean it, and eat it
• Volunteer at a hospital
• Spend the day at Pike Place Market in Seattle, Washington
• Learn how to snowboard
• Spend the night on a beach
• Drink wine in Napa
• Sell one of my paintings for more than $100
• Get an edgy haircut/color
• Spend a day in Venice Beach handing out stickers
• Have a Rocky marathon
• Hike to the Hollywood sign
• Ask someone out on a date and pay for them
• Race Na Wahine o Ke Kai
• Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge
• Spend a week "unplugged" - not completely since my job requires me to be on the phone and internet, but no personal texting, facebook, twitter, blogging, or instagram
• Go to a professional ballet
• Buy a random person's meal
• Record myself singing & playing a song on the guitar
• Eat a hamburger from a vendor on the Mexican border
• Take a trip by train
• Stand in a forest of sequoias

So, who's in?

A Simple Big Deal

Last night I had a hard time sleeping because I felt like something spectacular was going to happen today. I was anxious and excited for no particular reason. The only plans I had were to work and go to lunch with a friend. Why was I trying so hard to go to sleep so I could wake up and do nothing that was that big of a deal?

Well I woke up this morning, worked, my lunch date got sick so I ate lunch at the office, and worked some more. What was I so excited for? It's Friday, but it's not as if I am so totally overworked and exhausted that the weekend is something I've longed for all week.

I realized while I was working on my current project that I am just excited for what God is doing every single day in my life. Everyday I am exposed to something new, especially living in a new town. While I was going through pictures for new promo boards for F2F 2011 memories started flowing into my mind from every direction. I became overwhelmed with emotions - all types of emotions! I was amazed by how far I've come since last July. I was excited to see what else would happen until this July. I was soo thankful to be given such great opportunities and people in my life.

EVERY SINGLE DAY IS A BLESSING. Even though some HUGE event may not take place, every single day something new is brought to my attention.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19)

In the same way, don't dread Mondays. I believe that churches hold services on Sundays so that we start our week off with inspiration! Try to see the start of your week on Sundays instead of Mondays. Do you think if everyone did that all of those "Ugh Monday go away" facebook statuses and tweets would turn into "Ugh Sunday, go away, I don't want to go to church and worship the one with the greatest love of all"? .....I don't think so. So try it. It might make going to school or the office on Mondays a little easier. (Might... haha, no promises!)

*************

Matthew 6:33-34

Remember Me?

Parachute is one of my favorite bands. I missed the show the last time they played in Nashville, but tonight, I made it. Not only did I make it to the show, but I attended the private pre-show listening party. I was late which was not so awesome, but the whole show was super awesome. If you know me, you know that I get a little starstruck sometimes. I screamed like a little girl at the Justin Bieber concert. I ran after the Jonas Brothers' bus. I follow Parachute on Twitter. I even thought about moving to LA to find Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. I get starstruck and I KNOW THIS. But do these stars know this?

I am one person. I am one person among thousands, sometimes millions, of people wanting to hug these stars. I remember them because they are only one person to me. I met him tonight but he met dozens of girls. I have no star factor, no "bang" or whatever. I'm going to go to another Parachute show and I bet they all introduce themselves to me again.

What does it take for someone to be memorable? What does it take for someone to follow me on Twitter? ;)